Demetri Martins Humorous Quotes on Life

Demetri Martin's Humorous Quotes on Life Demetri Martin has a relaxed demeanor. You just have to listen to him for a few seconds before you fall off your chair, laughing. Demetri is a gifted artist, but how is he best described? A comic musician? A comic actor? A writer? Now, thats a bundle of talent.   Food If you have a pear-shaped body, you should not wear pear-colored clothes or act juicy. My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, That burrito did not agree with me. I was like, Was the disagreement over whether or not youd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won. I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way. I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple youd be like Huh? What the hell is this? but if its in a fruit basket youre like, This is nice! I was making  pancakes  the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And thats when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its  like, how many  nas  are on this thing? Cause Im like Bana ... keep going. Bananana  ... damn. Word Play I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think thats to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldnt know if someone was stuttering. Yes, hello Id like some B-batteries. What kind? B-batteries. What kind? B-batteries! and D-batteries thats hard for foreigners. Yes, I would like de batteries. I think its interesting that cologne rhymes with alone. Saying Im sorry is the same as saying I apologize. Except at a funeral. Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball gown. I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word fortnight. I like video games, but theyre really violent. Id like to play a  video game  where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. Itd be called Really Busy Hospital. I went into  a clothes  store and a lady came up to me and said, if you need anything, Im Jill. Ive never met anyone with a conditional identity before. The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. I love women, but I feel like you cant trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her; we started talking. She told me her dogs name. Then I said, Does he bite? She said, No. And I said, Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? Liar. A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like Whats your favorite color? A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like Whats your favorite color ...  person? I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, Im sorry, I thought you were someone else. And I said, I am. Sort of is such a harmless thing to say ... sort of. Its just a filler. Sort of ... it doesnt really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like ... after I love you ... or Youre going to live .. or Its a boy! I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille. Birthdays I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said Happy Birthday  on it. I didnt want to waste it so I just wrote Jesus on it. It was my  friends birthday  and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said  happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word Happy... sarcastic birthday, douche bag. Everything Else I like parties, but I dont like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, theres a donkey with some pizzazz. Lets kick its ass. What Im trying to say is, dont make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did. Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes youre really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops, youre saying: Hope I dont get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers. My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. A lot of people dont like bumper stickers. I dont mind bumper stickers. To me, a bumper sticker is a shortcut. Its like a little sign that says Hey, lets never hang out. A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if hes persuasive. Dude, make a left. Those are trees. Trust me. If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now Im good at everything.